Well here we have finally come to the end of the semester, and I have to say I've never felt greater relief than I have today. This semester has been one of the toughest by far, struggling with rejection, stress and constant self doubt. I kept beating myself over and over again (still do, but I try not to) about being not good enough and I questioned over and over again if I was meant to be a designer, if I'm actually doing the right thing. I'm so bad at type, at hierachy, at layout, I take ages just to plan something out. All these things are relatively new to me because I only picked them up last semester onwards and I've only had the experience of doing one magazine. Looking at my classmates makes me freak out, not because I'm actively comparing myself to put anyone or myself down on purpose but I kind of wonder who would even want to hire when I graduate. It even got so bad to the point Cindy actually indirectly told me during crit not to put myself down all the time but to remember that it is a learning journey. I have to confess that I did learn a lot from her over the entire semester and I've always felt like there hasn't been much meaning to my work till this one so yeah, no regrets.
All the rejection from Cindy over the last few months has definitely made me a lot stronger - she's not picking on me, she does this to everyone - but it kind of pushed me into a frozen mental state where I didn't know how to move forward and I couldn't do any work because of that. I can't even begin to tell you the amount of times I broke last week and I was about an inch much to giving up. I normally wouldn't break in front of people but I totally exploded into a million pieces in front of my mom because I was freaking out so bad I couldn't hold myself together anymore. Apart from Cindy, I screwed up my choir exam and I felt like I could have done better for creative visual and type. - again beating myself up
I literally didn't live like a human being, I didn't sleep, I didnt eat, I didn't even have time to pee or drink water or wash my face. ( MANDA I WAS SO THIRSTY THANK YOU FOR YOUR WATER DURING CRIT ) and thank you for calming me down right before crit and for the note and goodies.
It is however a blessing to realize how many people truly actually do care about me during this period of crazy. From welfare packs and sweet notes. To the text messages and calls to check in on me because I apparently looked terribly stressed out / didn't sound good/ when I was freaking out internally. Simple gestures like offering to buy me lunch because they were on the way to the canteen. These people who were struggling with their own submissions bothered to take that tiny bit of effort they didn't need to make sure I was okay. I was honestly about to give up the day before crit but because of Law, Ray and Jia Hao's words of encouragement it sparked an entire fire to push me to finish my work for which I am truly truly grateful for. - I cannot express how much this helped me. I am also exceptionally grateful to Raymond for helping me with all my printing whilst rushing his own submissions and Ping for helping me cut up my packaging. Last but not least people like Jo and vivi who listened to me as I was still beating myself up after crit and helped me to realize that there is something else I'm good at although I'm terrible at type.
I also won't forget to thank God for all his grace in which I repeatedly prayed for when I was freaking out. Things seemed really bad at first, and I thought I was going to have to retain in school or something and when it felt like that I don't deny asking you why. But now, I truly leave it in your hands Lord.
