being highly kylie

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It's probably a human thing, to constantly compare yourself to others. Especially with the flood of social media, I think people can be exceptionally mean, mean to themselves. I am no exception, constantly comparing, wishing I was better, something more - yet often people see me as someone who is 'talented' ( not boasting here) - which I find hard to accept because all I can think of is "you haven't seen the others yet." 

 I often find myself pushing away these compliments, comparing myself to others and wondering why I can't draw as well as xx, or sing as well as yy or be as photogenic as zz. And I often hear people tell me that I am enough as I am - which again I often reject. 

This is even more so apparent after this first week of school where I am utterly lost and floating in the middle of the ocean, small and afraid. Life is scary and hard.

 But I think after today I've decided that I really am enough, and it is only human to always be unsatisfied. I'm not saying that we shouldn't aspire to greater heights, but I think we should stop beating ourselves up for not being good enough in the case that we think so. I've always been a late bloomer but I'm pretty sure I'll find some footing for fyp somewhere somehow. (Yes a huge part of this post stemmed from fyp stress) 

"The fact you aren't where you want to be, should be enough motivation" - quote Misha shared with me when I talked to her about life and its lemons which I also agree with. 

And once again this paragraph which I keep in my phone to dig out when I've lost hope 

“Nobody tells this to people who are beginners, I wish someone told me. All of us who do creative work, we get into it because we have good taste. But there is this gap. For the first couple years you make stuff, it’s just not that good. It’s trying to be good, it has potential, but it’s not. But your taste, the thing that got you into the game, is still killer. And your taste is why your work disappoints you. A lot of people never get past this phase, they quit. Most people I know who do interesting, creative work went through years of this. We know our work doesn’t have this special thing that we want it to have. We all go through this. And if you are just starting out or you are still in this phase, you gotta know its normal and the most important thing you can do is do a lot of work. Put yourself on a deadline so that every week you will finish one story. It is only by going through a volume of work that you will close that gap, and your work will be as good as your ambitions. And I took longer to figure out how to do this than anyone I’ve ever met. It’s gonna take awhile. It’s normal to take awhile. You’ve just gotta fight your way through.”

- Ira Glass

Last but not least, 

10 'Fear not, for I am with you;
Be not dismayed, for I amyour God.
I will strengthen you,
Yes, I will help you,
I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.’

- Isaiah 41:10 

Baby steps, we can do this - be it fyp or finding jobs or whatever, we can do it.