Brutha from tha same mutha

Love you brother bear

Making my day

Today started off not too great, from waking up feeling like dying from flu, stuffy nose and chest and not really having a voice to heavy rain whilst on the way to work where some asshole driver didn't slow down while passing a puddle and completely soaked my jeans ( no I'm not exaggerating ). 

But then there were little things that made my day like Elfi happening to pop by the store after I told him I missed him when I saw his name on the shipment shifting paper and dinner with him after that. 

Normally don't post screen shots but David's response to my birthday wish : 

He's never ever said this to me before and it just makes me really really thankful to still have kept a friend like him after 7 years ( not to mention the rest of the gang as well, our boys spoil us by always always sending us home/to school whenever they have the car even when it's out of the way or when we are leaving their house and it isn't even night time. Makes me so grateful everytime- god knows how much fuel costs. ) 

Special surprise present and some weird herbal drink from the nori for no reason. Thanks for letting me know time and again you care and actually going all out. I really really appreciate it. 

Trying to let myself learn to doodle freely and not be so uptight about perfection and have such tight standards about what is beautiful and what isn't.

Feels kind of good. 

Growing up

My partner in crime for 2 consecutive  focs. Special bond between Auggy and I. Thankful to be placed with him twice in a row because we click so well. I never thought we would actually, but we're both loud and silly and fun- so I guess it works. Seemingly rough and noisy, Auggy is actually a gentle man who's all soft in the centre (don't tell him I said that ) but we shared his playlist from pioneer to changi - and as they always say, you can always usually tell a person from his playlist. 

When you're no longer young and you realize life isn't rosy. 

When what you once thought wasn't what you thought it was. 

Take me back to the age of innocence. 

Tonight was great. Saboteur, karaoke, htht instead of sleeping. I'll always appreciate friends like these. Like Mari said, in glad we stayed tonight, and in glad we didn't sleep. 

Just a recurring thought. 

Sorry bout my bad kerning/leading. 

Reflections

Went for varsity night at church today. Got me thinking a whole lot. 

I've decided to post this here because it's my blog. It's rather personal, I've never talked to anyone about it before. I don't know who still actually reads this except for the few constants of course but yeah. I don't actually know if I'm posting this because I want help or I don't, because I don't normally like to talk about my problems, and being more inclined to optimism I normally get over my feelings of sadness/anger rather quickly after a blogpost/tweet. 

I've never really talked about why I stopped attending youth service after trying to go for awhile and going again today was just a repeat of every arrow session I attended two years ago. It has nothing to do with the people who attend service but everything to do with me. 

Everytime I meet a whole entire group of church people ( regardless of what church they are from - they are all really nice people mind you ), I regress into my twelve year old self. That awkward girl who didn't know how to make friends or talk to save my life. I get so overwhelmed and my mind goes blank. I feel like I can't be open, I can't be myself and I'm afraid. I actually have to prepare myself before attending church things like these and I feel anxiety before the meetings. ( this only applies to church people btw. like just people from the same cg in large groups and it's not because Im an introvert and I have issues communicating with people because whilst it's true I'm slightly more inclined towards the introverted side, I have no issues going for orientation and meeting an entire bunch of new people or even being a leader for an orientation group of people whom I haven't even met yet - in fact I love being an Ogl ). 

This probably stemmed from my bad experience from my first church when we were all eleven ( I obviously don't blame these people, we were really young ) and I just didn't fit in because they all kinda grew up together in that church, not to mention I was still awkward, so to cut to the chase I somehow got somewhat like outcasted and became non existent. Some people didn't even know my parents had a daughter/ didn't realize I left church eventually - not that it matters like I'm some big shot in church but just an example of how bad it was. ( restating here that there's no blame ) My only proper friends in the church were Athalie and Audrey, and I clung on to them like super duper ultra mega strong super glue and I thank God they were there for me. 

I can't say that things didn't get better we all eventually grew up and they tried to open up to me, but I couldn't open myself up. 

I don't know what that experience did to me but now i always see this repeat:  everytime I follow someone to some youth church thing, I regress to my twelve/eleven year old self and I stick to the person who invited me, and I can't function properly without them. I even kind of get kind of anxious when people invite me to church stuff and when my brother eggs me to go for youth because he doesn't understand how hard it is for me. 

That's also the reason why I now avoid church camps - imagine the amount of anxiety 24/7. ( ok la there were moments I did sincerely have fun , but yeah there were moments of like just like wanting to curl up into a ball also ) 

I swear tho that I try my UTMOST best to be normal and not to be awkward and stuff. Like I know Esther and Sarah tried really hard to reach out to me and It seemed like I was rather unfriendly or uninterested but I didn't mean to come across that way..it just happens. I think I'm improving, maybe. But I'm still very uncomfortable and I most definitely have prayed about it. 

Just realized I have mega trust issues with buying stuff online. Feel like everyone is out to cheat my money :/ HAHA. Ok bye 

Weewee

Getting inspired together. Getting motivated to work for great things together. That's what true friendship is like. 

Inadequate

Many days in life you may perhaps feel inadequate. But that doesn't mean you should give up. After all, it is only when you feel inadequate you feel the need to work harder and improve yourself, and take yourself to further heights. 

Gogogo. 

Mongster is home <3 

Lost my late spade card holder containing : 

1) my matric card

2) ez link 

3) AnF card 

4) DRIVERS LICENSE 

So bummed right now ? I just pray some good person picked it up and will return it to me.. Pls pls pls. 

Cat village

Changi village is a exploding with cats. Exploding. 

Just a little thought : 

Bless others, and you will feel blessed. And somehow or another, someone else will bless you. Bless others to pass on the blessing spirit too. 

Camp this week. I got a little blacker.. Not sure if I like that because I probably, unlike some other beautiful girls, don't look good tan, and look better fair. No big deal tho because nobody cares about tanned skin after having lots of fun. hooray ! - no idea why I have so much love for camp anyway (apart from missing my bed and a nice clean toilet -OCD problems). I eat non stop in camp, you have no idea - but it's okay la because we run like dogs also.