I've decided to post this here because it's my blog. It's rather personal, I've never talked to anyone about it before. I don't know who still actually reads this except for the few constants of course but yeah. I don't actually know if I'm posting this because I want help or I don't, because I don't normally like to talk about my problems, and being more inclined to optimism I normally get over my feelings of sadness/anger rather quickly after a blogpost/tweet.
I've never really talked about why I stopped attending youth service after trying to go for awhile and going again today was just a repeat of every arrow session I attended two years ago. It has nothing to do with the people who attend service but everything to do with me.
Everytime I meet a whole entire group of church people ( regardless of what church they are from - they are all really nice people mind you ), I regress into my twelve year old self. That awkward girl who didn't know how to make friends or talk to save my life. I get so overwhelmed and my mind goes blank. I feel like I can't be open, I can't be myself and I'm afraid. I actually have to prepare myself before attending church things like these and I feel anxiety before the meetings. ( this only applies to church people btw. like just people from the same cg in large groups and it's not because Im an introvert and I have issues communicating with people because whilst it's true I'm slightly more inclined towards the introverted side, I have no issues going for orientation and meeting an entire bunch of new people or even being a leader for an orientation group of people whom I haven't even met yet - in fact I love being an Ogl ).
This probably stemmed from my bad experience from my first church when we were all eleven ( I obviously don't blame these people, we were really young ) and I just didn't fit in because they all kinda grew up together in that church, not to mention I was still awkward, so to cut to the chase I somehow got somewhat like outcasted and became non existent. Some people didn't even know my parents had a daughter/ didn't realize I left church eventually - not that it matters like I'm some big shot in church but just an example of how bad it was. ( restating here that there's no blame ) My only proper friends in the church were Athalie and Audrey, and I clung on to them like super duper ultra mega strong super glue and I thank God they were there for me.
I can't say that things didn't get better we all eventually grew up and they tried to open up to me, but I couldn't open myself up.
I don't know what that experience did to me but now i always see this repeat: everytime I follow someone to some youth church thing, I regress to my twelve/eleven year old self and I stick to the person who invited me, and I can't function properly without them. I even kind of get kind of anxious when people invite me to church stuff and when my brother eggs me to go for youth because he doesn't understand how hard it is for me.
That's also the reason why I now avoid church camps - imagine the amount of anxiety 24/7. ( ok la there were moments I did sincerely have fun , but yeah there were moments of like just like wanting to curl up into a ball also )
I swear tho that I try my UTMOST best to be normal and not to be awkward and stuff. Like I know Esther and Sarah tried really hard to reach out to me and It seemed like I was rather unfriendly or uninterested but I didn't mean to come across that way..it just happens. I think I'm improving, maybe. But I'm still very uncomfortable and I most definitely have prayed about it.
No comments:
Post a Comment